Remember how Star Wars Episode 5 ended? It was dark and dismal, with the empire dominating. But it sure made you want to see the next one, because you knew things must get better… Thus, my three month absence after my last chronicle. Just think of me as Pricess Leia. Wait, no… Don’t think of me like that, please.

A squirrel just fell from the sky outside my window. It made a loud “thump” sound on the grass, then scurried off, apparently unhurt. I think that the military should look into this. I see two possible applications of squirrel technology:

1. Breed killer “war” squirrels, with head mounted guns, and very sharp teeth. These could be dropped by the thousands from airplanes into enemy territory, without the complications of tiny parachutes.

2. Genetically engineer human solidiers with the squirrel genes that enable large drop survival. Amend constitution to make referencing them as “squirrel man/woman” or “that squirrel creature” illegal.

In a related field, I foresee the calming, rhythmic sounds of “squirrel drop” music to boom in popularity. “Thump, Thump… Thumpthump!”

I have obtained evidence that Gerhard Casper is involved in scandalous affairs.. For those of you who don’t know, Casper is the so-called president of this so-called university. But I know what he really is: A hula dancer. Don’t believe me? Take a look at these photos… I will be on the lookout for more evidence of his base behavior.

Well, so much happened over the summer, I really don’t think I can do it justice here… I worked at ACE computer camp, which was a blast, despite ACE being an evil, greedy, cliche of manipulative, corporate american money vacuums. Let’s just say ACE was fun, and I’ve now tried about 10 jamba juice flavors.

Driving my truck home I almost died. Long story, but one of my wheels came off except for one nut, evidently because someone had tried to steal it. I nearly wrecked, ending up stranded beside the road. I eventually got a tow truck called, and after we had picked up my truck we started driving to the nearest tire store, in Delano California. I was a little shaken up, but the hispanic tow truck driver put me at ease: “Ya know, where we’re goeeng.. There are no white people.”
    ”Heheh, I guess I’ll raise the population to one, eh?” (I was trying to look unaffected).
    ”Yeah heh. You know why? The mexicans found out white people taste like cheeken! Ha ha ha ha…” In spite of this, he was quite nice, and so were the wheel guys. He was right though, I was the only white guy in the vicinity.

I helped somebody jump start their car in a town a little further on, but the whole wheel stealing thing had me wary… After I drove on, a few miles down the interstate I stopped because my hood seemed loose. I tried to shut it, but for some reason couldn’t even open it! I started imagining the worst, that they sabotaged me somehow, and installed a tracking device, when I looked down and there was a pin prick in my finger where I was trying to use the hood opener, with a spot of blood forming. Argh! Perhaps they put a little poison pin on the opener! I proceeded to suck out the “poison,” and swallowed it (duh, that was smart, Bond). Then I realized that I just needed to push on the hood, and it caught – then I could open and close it.

Well, it seemed those two events weren’t enough for one trip. A few hours later, I take an exit and pull into an abandoned lot, where some hispanic guys are working on putting a spare on their car. I wanted to get some pictures of this cool column of rain in front of the sunset. I prepare to take some pictures, and one of the guys walks over to me..

    ”Sorry we’re on your property – we had a blow out..” My property?
    ”Heh, ummm.. I’m just stopping to take some pictures – not my property.”
    ”Oh, ok.. That’s cool, huh? That’s a damn big tornado, huh? That’s a huge tornado!” I look at the column of rain.
    ”Yeah, that sure is a big tornado.” He talks to me about the “tornado” and where he’s going, and where I’m going, and eventually writes down his name and phone number..
    ”In case you ever need any help in vegas, you understand that,” pointing to the paper.
    ”Carlos,” I say.
    ”Yeah. You wanna follow us back?”
    ”No… That’s all right.. I think I’m gonna go now.”
    ”Ok, remember – Carlos!”
    ”Riiight.. Thanks!”

The one other thing that really sticks out in my mind is driving for a few hours back in Colorado to pick up a friend. Stuck behind… A dead horse, strapped to a flatbed. Quite stiff, too. I know, I know, you’re jealous, but maybe it’ll happen to you someday. I was also attacked by one of those automatic seatbelts on that trip. Nearly took my head off. Shook me up so bad, that later when I spilled my fries thanks to the sudden stop of Steve, the driver, I said “Jeez, ya think I meant to throw all my throws on the floor!?!?” I was trying to be mad, but it’s hard when you say something that stupid. So give me a hand, when you’re at McDonald’s next time, ask for a Super-Size Throws. And if you work fast food, please update your schpiel to “Would you like some throws with that?”

And now, it’s time to start making new chronicle material, every day. Hopefully junior year will produce some good ‘uns. Check back. (Oh check out my other sections occasionally too, filling them out now that I have a scanner.)

Quote of the summer:

Becca, upon staring somewhat blankly at a picture of the lead actress in The Blair Witch Project:

Annoying girl.. Annoying girl. Blair witch project. Annoying girl.